hello, sun in my face: 02/06/15

hello friends, lovelies, people of consequence,

february 5. no, wait, the 6th. see? where does time go? it's crusin' by, let me tell you.

i had radical mastectomy on the right side on january 19th, more than 2 weeks ago. it all went really well. they also took 17 lymph nodes, and sent all of that, that of myself, to the pathology lab to take a look. i remember none of this, really, because there is this drug called morphine +, and they give it to people like me after surgery so that all you remember is nothing.
apparently, Jello was delivered to me, and a broth of some sort. one of my visitors (10-yo Joe) enjoyed it.
apparently, i ate 2 donuts.
apparently, i am kind of hilarious when on this morphine.
apparently, i am okay.

the pathology results came back with "no visual signs of tumor anywhere in the breast or the 17 lymph nodes". this is incredible. even my surgeon told me he never expected such great results. then i flexed my huge bicep to him, and he said, "well...."
seriously though, this means the chemo really did it's job. and my body did it's job. and all that suck sauce was worth it. and although i am am over the moon about these results, i am still thinking of all the other people i know who are going through this with different results. and how to hold this. i think i am finding some of those answers, but they are still confusing.

so, i am cancer-free. i am still soaking this in. i am still recovering from surgery. i am sore. my right arm, chest, and scapula are learning how to dance again. i am flooded with love from so many of you. what would i do without you? i start radiation in about 3 weeks, after i heal a bit more. this radiation will be every day for 5 weeks. it's going to get any cells that may be hiding out somewhere else in my body, and zap them. side effects are mostly fatigue and a sorta sunburn. my radiation oncologist, dr. ballanoff, is an awesome guy and a friend, a good friend, of danny's. it feels better knowing this. and meanwhile, i'm still getting one infusion drug of Herceptin, until august, every 3 weeks. Again, with minimal side effects. my hair is slowly growing back. it's fuzzy. it's soft. it's growing in different areas, mostly on top. so, i look, um, like a fuzzy baby bird. but it's so wonderful to have that new growth. the shampoo has something to hold onto.

danny asked what i wanted to do the week before surgery, and i said,
"teach a workshop." and so i did. and it was like soaking in a tub of words, stories, lavender everything...it was just what i needed to take me somewhere else for a few days leading up. i was able to center myself and listen more.

and so my heart. my heart. many things. love. love of life, and of deep friends and family, and of love. it is, indeed, a strange time to fall in love, and yet it is happening. trace is such a giving and kind soul, and we are enjoying eachother. and i am looking forward to loving a long time, with deeper intention, wildness at times, curiosity, humor, and light. i know i still have a ways to go, but i am looking forward to now.
and then, again, now.
and then, now. because all we really have is now.

oh, and food has a new meaning to me again, hallelujah! i never thought i'd enjoy it ever again, and i appreciate it even more now. Ionah made for me the most beautiful shepard's pie, veggie. i could taste the love it there. robyn brought me a french dip from Udi's, and i tell you, i was devouring it like that scene in Fantastic Mr. Fox.

i'm looking forward to this year. i hope you are too. i'm looking forward to us looking forward to it all. life is brief. take it. all. in. give it back. share it. sing in the shower.

love and love,
hol