a week, a weak

a week ago daniel came over to work at my house because of what happened the previous evening, morning, really. i woke up at something like 4am, and found myself on the floor of my bedroom, totally coherent, but very spinny. and very nauseous. i had a mini conversation with myself in the dark there, saying, "hey, you're okay, but you're laying on your face and the room is spinning. close your eyes. you'll be okay." the spinnies went away after awhile, but visited last week too much. 

so, after what seems like a month, this past week was a rough one. the chemo is hitting me hard this time. poor appetite, spinnies, deep bone ache, blah blah blah...my spirits have been very up and very down, and i keep reminding myself that this is temporary. this is all temporary. this is. all. temporary. it's a good practice of impermanence. A good reminder. Impermanence and change are undeniable truths of our existence. so, after not smiling too much this past week (and still struggling to do so at times!), i've decided that i must also embrace this. because it's happening. and even though i can't choose some of these icky things i'm feeling right now, i can choose to look at them differently. 

and all of that is true, and it is also becoming so aware to me that grief is a process i'm beginning to go through with all of this too. grief combined with anger, which is a new combo for me. anger has always been a struggle for me to show...what am i angry at? the cancer? you bet. at the way the chemo makes me feel? very much so, dammit. cancer sucks. chemo sucks. no one should have to go through this. 

i got to have lunch with my dear friend from santa fe, monica, on friday. we haven't seen each other in about a year, and it was just like we left off. we talked about everything from sesame street to hospice care, and walked along the river. i bought a used porch swing from the kindest man on facebook (that should be a book title), for $25, who was from england. he was moving and had to get rid of the swing. he said it was always his dream to have one, and i asked him why. he said growing up in england, people didn't really have porches, which is something i'd never thought about. i mean, maybe if you grow up in the country or something, but not where he grew up. he was so glad i was getting that porch swing, and i was so happy to get to hang it up soon. 

so, small victories. today i finally ate something that i could sorta taste, almond butter and apples. i worked a bit, walked with nancy for about 15 minutes, and am now looking out the window at the flatirons and long's peak, as this beautiful fall day blows all the leaves around in circles. 

much love and wonder,
hol