November 23, really?

friends, family, the squirrel I swirved to avoid hitting, 

wow, it's been much too long since my last blog post, and I really  don't have many good reasons except for a few hiccups and bumps and general chemo woes. Sometimes when I really wanted to write some things, how I was feeling, the beauty of the reflection on City Park Lake, or the glint in a deep friend's eye, all I could do was think about it. Because my energy just wasn't there; was hiding in places I didn't knew existed. So I had to let it be there. For now. 
And now it's Sunday, and the snow is falling. And for those of you who know me well know that this makes me smile loudly. And I'm feeling pretty good and so I'm attempting to write another blog post. Here goes. 

So hi. How is everyone? it's been an interesting two rounds of chemo. They call it "cumulative chemo", where each cycle gets a little bit harder, more intense. I agree with this. My relationship with food has been interesting. it's been in the last two days that I've found much joy in eating a bowl of blueberry cereal with fresh blueberries, soy milk, and figs. Tea is remaining my good friend, as is the homemade Concord grape juice Grandpa and PB have been making for me. it's truly healing. Juicing fresh veggies and fruits has been great too, but I can't do too much. I feel like a baby bird. Which is how I hear my hair will come back looking much like- a baby bird. Sounds kinda cute to me. All the hairs just sorta coming back in all directions. tweet tweet. guess that won't really be until February or March. Ah. and so I should tell you what's been going on. first of all, I'm doing great now. There were a couple three weeks where I just couldn't seem to feel better. And so I went into infusion at The University of Colorado Hospital, where im being seen, to get fluids.  Fluids are saline and steroids to help with all the nausea, and they help a great deal.  I went in last Tuesday for fluids feeling like I'd been dragged through the mud, and when I got there I must have looked like mud because the nurses were very concerned with the lack of color in my face. My blood pressure was very high, and I was confused and acting strange (stranger than usual), and my eyesight was very strange. I saw 4 of everything. After a couple doc consults, they sent me to the ER to be evaluated, CT scan, chest scan, neuro exam, you name it. I barely remember this. they did a bunch of blood work and it turned out I had dangerously low potassium and magnesium, which can mess with your heart and mind functions. Basically, I was low on electrolytes. so, a night in the hospital for me. Daniel was there for me most of the day, and nancy too. and it was snowing and I was on the 11th floor, so lucky #11. I slept well, considering they took my vitals every hour. I got to leave the next day at 2pm. they did all these neuro tests with me by asking me to count backwards by 7's from 100. and I just laughed. because there's no way I could even do that on a good day. so I asked them to ask me, instead, what is blue + yellow, and what is the square root of green? they laughed, but somehow I still passes the tests. 

last week my red blood count was very low (8) and I still looked like a ghost, and my potassium and mag were still way low, so I got a blood transfusion. I was a bit freaked out at first, the idea of it all. but then I was like, well, my blood is so weak, and maybe I'll be getting Oprah's blood, or Pema Chodron's blood. and then Daniel said he was pretty sure I was getting Sigfried's blood (from sigfried and Roy) and somehow that made me feel better. after 6 hours of that process, and three awesome visitors and amazing nurses, I felt like a new person. really. amazing. 

anyway, chemo has been tough. I'm calling it the suck sauce, thanks to my good friend Dawn Rae. but I have one more to go on Dec. 1. And i just found out my surgery date. There's a window that has to happen, between my last chemo and surgery. And this all happening during the holiday season makes the timing a bit tricky. So, how about Dec. 24? Why not? When I first found out, I was pretty upset. But then I chose to look at this as a gift. And I have the perfect outfit (See my photo with zoe for halloween) I mean, a day is a day, and it sucks for the surgeon too. So why not make it fun. I'm gonna bring cup cakes for the surgery staff, and wear my elf outfit and wrap some lights around me. Make it light. And not that I'm making fun of if, but, it this has to happen, then why not be festive about it. Otherwise,  I think I might not be able to handle it. 

And that said, I feel ineffibly grateful fo everyone who has given so generously to my fundraising site. And deepest love to Georgina who has started this whole site. Humble Georgina. You are like the air to me. And so many lovelies i've met through this whole thing. I don't feel like this is at all the end, because there's much more to go thru, but it's another opportunity to write a little something about my love for you all, to spell a little poorly, to laugh a bit, and to remember really, what is important in life. at least to me. i love each and every little piece of every one of you. especially knees, and tiny pinkies, and that little crinkle nose. but seriously. life is short. live it up. be patient. please, be patient.