hello, sun in my face: hello january

been awhile since i've last blogged. things have changed, dates have changed, my overall perspective on some things have changed...so maybe i've been hesitant to write openly about things. i'm not sure. i've had mostly good days, but am still feeling the effects of chemo, mostly on a fatigue-level.

my surgery date changed from december 24th and i didn't find out until 3 days prior. seems my white blood count was too low to risk surgery. and i found myself trying to figure out how i felt about this. i mean, on one hand i was suddenly given christmas and new year's eve back. if i'd had surgery as scheduled, i would've been recovering and in no shape to enjoy christmas and nye as much as i did. so there's that. and on the other hand, it left me with a waiting feeling, and a kind of let-down shift in my thinking–as if my body wasn't strong enough to handle it, which it wasn't. it was a strange feeling, still sort of is. i mean, i'd been through 6 rounds of some of the most harsh drugs, and now their culmulative effects had left me without the strength to follow-through. i mean, the nurses at chemo gave me a certificate of completion, sang to me, kazoos were played, smiles were big...and to have to go back in defeat kinda hit me harder that i ever thought it would. then i was reminded of something maya angelou said about defeat, something like "we will encounter defeats, but we must not feel defeated"...something like that. and i've been trying to understand why i am feeling this way. i mean, after all, it's just a reschedule of a surgery. and after sitting with it for awhile now, i think it has something to do with how, if if the surgery had happened already, i would be that much further along into my recovery, gaining my strength back to be able to walk further, run again, etc...and that the part of me they are taking away would also be gone. and it's still with me. and maybe it's supposed to stick around awhile longer so i can give it a proper grief-ful goodbye.
so that's what i've decided to do. celebrate everything going on right now, in it's time-shift, and just believe that it's all happening at this rate to allow myself to maybe look at things differently. and i found out great news that, on a hereditary note, i am BRCA 1 & 2 negative. If I were positive, it would be a no-brainer to have both breasts removed, and now I have a choice. Since i have cancer in only one breast and lymph nodes on the right side, and am young, my oncologist and surgeon both highly-recommended having just the one breast removed. there's all this new research out now about the non-benefits of having both breasts removed if cancer is presented in only one. breast cancer doesn't "spread" from one breast to the other. the chemo worked very well in doing it's job and shrinking the tumor. my surgeon said that, to him, both breasts felt nearly identical now, and he was very pleased with how well the chemo worked. so, even though it was the toughest time in my life so far, i'm grateful for that suck sauce.

my new surgery date is now january 19. monday. when my surgery was scheduled for christmas eve, i was gonna dress up as an elf, but now, well, i guess it's standard hospital blue. i will be in the hospital overnight at least one night. nancy put together an update to the website for helping out with food, so if you're not on that list and wish to be, please leave your name and email in the comment section of this blog, and we'll make sure you get on the list. nancy or daniel or trace will also send out a group email after i get outta surgery, to update those who wish to know how it went. again, leave your name and email if you wanna receive that info.

they'll test me a few days before again, to make sure i'm strong enough, but i know i will be. i am finally eating well again, tasting food. my magnesium is still really low, and so i'm going into infusion 2-3 times a week to get some of that good stuff. most of the nurses know me by name, and are the most kind and laugh at most of my jokes. one of the male nurses, gerry, comes and just talks with me. he's really quiet, and often talks about his ailing father. and he shares stories he's written about different things, typed-out stories that he hands to me to read, with a staple at the corner. endearing and warm, i try to keep my eyes dry but it never works.

i'd mentioned a 5th floor comment in my last blog, and i want to talk a bit more about what that meant. maya angelou also said this:

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences,

penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

at the time in my life when i never ever thought i'd find love, well, i did. or it found me. us. with my lack of hair, most of my eyebrows and eyelashes and fingernails missing, someone seemed to think i still looked okay. we're having such fun, deep moments, thoughts, laughter, truths, together, and in a big way. some of the best things happen unexpectedly, i suppose. but i find myself writing poems and doing hopscotch in grocery stores, and wanting to read things out loud, like this:

POEM OF THE ONE WORLD

This morning

The beautiful white heron

was floating along above the water

and then into the sky of this

the one world

we all belong to

where everything

sooner or later

is a part of everything else

which thought made me feel

for a little while

quite beautiful myself

so i will stick with this amazing feeling as long as i can have it, share it, hold it, welcome it into the whole family of things. love sure feels good.

and again, humbled. humbled by all you wonderful creatures i get to call friends, deep friends. i apologize for being a bit absent lately. in addition to the lack of energy, i've also been in quite the funk, trying to navigate this part of my life and try to make sense of it somewhat. i'm learning that sometimes things just need to flow the way they are flowing, and not to get in the way.

much love,

hol